Damaged goods....

[juliebata]

Sometimes, I click on the three little "update journal" dots with something very specific in mind to say. Other times, like now, I just start typing and see what comes out.
You know you are lonely when you don't mind sharing a spoonful of ice cream with your cat, saliva and all. She loves vanilla...
Many of my local friends are at Oddcon. I am not, and no-one cares or misses me. Oddcon is mostly for gamers and media, stuff I'm not into. I don't feel like I need to be there. Last year, I was only there because I was dating Tom. Now, everyone thinks his new girlfriend is really cool, and it's like I never existed. He kept all our friends, and I sit home alone every Saturday night trying to think of a reason not to die. I'm running out of reasons. He's happy and I'm damaged, and I wonder how I ended up this way. I used to think I was a strong and normal person, but something is terribly wrong. I've never hated anyone so completely in my entire life. I've never been so lost. It's been an entire year, and I'm still in a horrible place that most people climb out of in a matter of weeks. Whenever I see him, I want to die. Corflu and Wiscon will be hard. I'm looking forward to the bakesale, and the LJ party I'm going to throw at Wiscon, and seeing many people from out of town, but Tom will also be at both cons. With her. I've never actually seen her. Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me? I don't know. Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long? Any advice besides "get over it?" Because I've tried that, hasn't worked...
-Juliebata

Comments

MKS does tough talk

[maureenkspeller.livejournal.com]

Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me?

Yes, it is, and will be, and should be, because you want to have fun too, right? I don't say 'get over it' because you're you, I'm me, and everyone has to mourn and grieve in their own ways. However, I think that you're letting someone who's not in your life still shape your life, by his presence and his absence. You're not in his life, so I don't quite see why he should hold so much sway over yours. It's been a year.Time to spring clean and move on.

I think you need to ask yourself a bunch of questions. First, is it really worth the effort of hating him? I don't think so. Hate is a nasty thing; it gnaws away at you, uses up energy that could be put to something else, like shaping your own life. Remember, living well is the best revenge. Do you feel you're living well? I don't think you do, so how about some practical revenge rather than sitting around hating?

Now, about these friends. I've no idea if it's anyone I know. But how come he took them away? Do you want to see those people? If you do, invite them to do stuff, say you want to see them. It might be that they were just waiting for a clue because they didn't know what to do. When couples break up, people are often very uneasy about what to do, who to talk to. If they respond, there you go. If they don't, what have you lost that you hadn't lost already. There are other people.

And sooner or later, you're going to have to face up to seeing him in company. The community you move in is not a huge one. Better to be able to do it now than let it fester. it's like ripping off a plaster. Get it over and done with, and better to do it in company too. Baffle him with cordiality or cut him dead, whichever (though cordiality is probably more fun in the long run).

You're looking forward to Wiscon, there'll be loads of people there, plenty to do, it's a good place to make plans, hook up with people, plan stuff for afterwards. And Madison has always seemed to me to be a great place to do stuff, so maybe it's time to break out of one community and into another. What would you like to be writing about doing in a year's time?

[intelligentrix.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There was a time when a certain muppet and I had broken up when I felt very much the same way. The hard lesson I learned is that your friends will want to be with the person who doesn't make them feel uncomfortable. That means the one who is happy, has found a new relationship, who isn't hurt and angry and in need of support will get all the attention you so desperately need. It sucks, and you can't point out to people just how selfish they're being, because they don't want to hear about it anymore. Remember the buttons? I don't have any lasting words of wisdom... all I can tell you is that things only started to get better when I reached the point where my hate and anger were so exhausting I couldn't sustain them anymore. I wrote some cathartic poetry, and then called him up and said "I don't want to hate you anymore. It's too hard." I hope that you can get to whatever place you need to go in order to start feeling better.

Grieving and loss

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what sort of response you'd find most helpful right now. I sympathize with your still-raw feelings around Tom. I could challenge the absoluteness in a couple of your statements, but you could do that yourself. If you're in a mood for jest, I could list a couple of "could be worse" scenarios (e.g., two words: Du Charme!).

I think you're a pretty strong person. You were deeply hurt by that relationship, and you're still grieving. Yet you've also done a bunch of things to find new friends (personals ads) that I have yet gained the nerve to do myself. You're still living on your own, holding down a job (despite the fact that it's not your dream job by any means), and taking care of one happy cat. You're even still pretty good friends with your ex-husband, which is more than I can say.

You asked, "Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long?" Yes, I have. I still miss my mother terribly, and the stupidest things can crush me because of it. It's not the same as losing a relationship, but they're both major, life-changing losses. I'm looking forward to that hypothetical day when the chances of going to pieces are very, very low instead of the 50% they are now. In trying to figure out how to move from here to there, I think writing about it (publicly or privately) can only help. I'm still looking for more things that I can do, though.

I will also say that your presence here in LJ will give you some advantage over Tom, in that you'll already have a connection with a bunch of people who haven't been to a Madison con before. And yes, I think it will be possible for you to have a peaceful coexistence with Tom and J, but it's rarely a place one gets to overnight.

[serendipoz.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're damaged goods, I think you're a pretty good Juliebata.

However, I also think your feelings and thoughts influence the way you act and continue to feel. I'd like your life to improve, and you to feel better. It may take some professional help - which I don't feel is a failure, but rather an acknowledgement of how difficult life can be - to help you improve.

Talk with me, spend some time with me at Wiscon? I still plan to be there, though I've been in a funk recently as well.

*hug*

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

I sympathise lots. Like Ive said before, Iäve been there, yes, and Iäm having a minor reprise right now. canät talk right now but will soon.

[hermansgold.livejournal.com]

Hi. I wandered in here from seeing your post in childfree. I'd like to add you as a friend if you don't mind; you seem to talk about things in your journal that I relate to. I put this comment here because I understand the feelings you are writing about here. I have no magic words, except to say that people are unique and if you take a year to do what "the average" person does in a few weeks no big deal. Go at your pace, work with what you got, stay true to yourself. Things will get better, they always do. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.