Damaged goods....

[juliebata]

Sometimes, I click on the three little "update journal" dots with something very specific in mind to say. Other times, like now, I just start typing and see what comes out.
You know you are lonely when you don't mind sharing a spoonful of ice cream with your cat, saliva and all. She loves vanilla...
Many of my local friends are at Oddcon. I am not, and no-one cares or misses me. Oddcon is mostly for gamers and media, stuff I'm not into. I don't feel like I need to be there. Last year, I was only there because I was dating Tom. Now, everyone thinks his new girlfriend is really cool, and it's like I never existed. He kept all our friends, and I sit home alone every Saturday night trying to think of a reason not to die. I'm running out of reasons. He's happy and I'm damaged, and I wonder how I ended up this way. I used to think I was a strong and normal person, but something is terribly wrong. I've never hated anyone so completely in my entire life. I've never been so lost. It's been an entire year, and I'm still in a horrible place that most people climb out of in a matter of weeks. Whenever I see him, I want to die. Corflu and Wiscon will be hard. I'm looking forward to the bakesale, and the LJ party I'm going to throw at Wiscon, and seeing many people from out of town, but Tom will also be at both cons. With her. I've never actually seen her. Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me? I don't know. Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long? Any advice besides "get over it?" Because I've tried that, hasn't worked...
-Juliebata

Comments

[intelligentrix.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There was a time when a certain muppet and I had broken up when I felt very much the same way. The hard lesson I learned is that your friends will want to be with the person who doesn't make them feel uncomfortable. That means the one who is happy, has found a new relationship, who isn't hurt and angry and in need of support will get all the attention you so desperately need. It sucks, and you can't point out to people just how selfish they're being, because they don't want to hear about it anymore. Remember the buttons? I don't have any lasting words of wisdom... all I can tell you is that things only started to get better when I reached the point where my hate and anger were so exhausting I couldn't sustain them anymore. I wrote some cathartic poetry, and then called him up and said "I don't want to hate you anymore. It's too hard." I hope that you can get to whatever place you need to go in order to start feeling better.