Damaged goods....

[juliebata]

Sometimes, I click on the three little "update journal" dots with something very specific in mind to say. Other times, like now, I just start typing and see what comes out.
You know you are lonely when you don't mind sharing a spoonful of ice cream with your cat, saliva and all. She loves vanilla...
Many of my local friends are at Oddcon. I am not, and no-one cares or misses me. Oddcon is mostly for gamers and media, stuff I'm not into. I don't feel like I need to be there. Last year, I was only there because I was dating Tom. Now, everyone thinks his new girlfriend is really cool, and it's like I never existed. He kept all our friends, and I sit home alone every Saturday night trying to think of a reason not to die. I'm running out of reasons. He's happy and I'm damaged, and I wonder how I ended up this way. I used to think I was a strong and normal person, but something is terribly wrong. I've never hated anyone so completely in my entire life. I've never been so lost. It's been an entire year, and I'm still in a horrible place that most people climb out of in a matter of weeks. Whenever I see him, I want to die. Corflu and Wiscon will be hard. I'm looking forward to the bakesale, and the LJ party I'm going to throw at Wiscon, and seeing many people from out of town, but Tom will also be at both cons. With her. I've never actually seen her. Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me? I don't know. Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long? Any advice besides "get over it?" Because I've tried that, hasn't worked...
-Juliebata

Comments

MKS does tough talk

[maureenkspeller.livejournal.com]

Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me?

Yes, it is, and will be, and should be, because you want to have fun too, right? I don't say 'get over it' because you're you, I'm me, and everyone has to mourn and grieve in their own ways. However, I think that you're letting someone who's not in your life still shape your life, by his presence and his absence. You're not in his life, so I don't quite see why he should hold so much sway over yours. It's been a year.Time to spring clean and move on.

I think you need to ask yourself a bunch of questions. First, is it really worth the effort of hating him? I don't think so. Hate is a nasty thing; it gnaws away at you, uses up energy that could be put to something else, like shaping your own life. Remember, living well is the best revenge. Do you feel you're living well? I don't think you do, so how about some practical revenge rather than sitting around hating?

Now, about these friends. I've no idea if it's anyone I know. But how come he took them away? Do you want to see those people? If you do, invite them to do stuff, say you want to see them. It might be that they were just waiting for a clue because they didn't know what to do. When couples break up, people are often very uneasy about what to do, who to talk to. If they respond, there you go. If they don't, what have you lost that you hadn't lost already. There are other people.

And sooner or later, you're going to have to face up to seeing him in company. The community you move in is not a huge one. Better to be able to do it now than let it fester. it's like ripping off a plaster. Get it over and done with, and better to do it in company too. Baffle him with cordiality or cut him dead, whichever (though cordiality is probably more fun in the long run).

You're looking forward to Wiscon, there'll be loads of people there, plenty to do, it's a good place to make plans, hook up with people, plan stuff for afterwards. And Madison has always seemed to me to be a great place to do stuff, so maybe it's time to break out of one community and into another. What would you like to be writing about doing in a year's time?