Damaged goods....

[juliebata]

Sometimes, I click on the three little "update journal" dots with something very specific in mind to say. Other times, like now, I just start typing and see what comes out.
You know you are lonely when you don't mind sharing a spoonful of ice cream with your cat, saliva and all. She loves vanilla...
Many of my local friends are at Oddcon. I am not, and no-one cares or misses me. Oddcon is mostly for gamers and media, stuff I'm not into. I don't feel like I need to be there. Last year, I was only there because I was dating Tom. Now, everyone thinks his new girlfriend is really cool, and it's like I never existed. He kept all our friends, and I sit home alone every Saturday night trying to think of a reason not to die. I'm running out of reasons. He's happy and I'm damaged, and I wonder how I ended up this way. I used to think I was a strong and normal person, but something is terribly wrong. I've never hated anyone so completely in my entire life. I've never been so lost. It's been an entire year, and I'm still in a horrible place that most people climb out of in a matter of weeks. Whenever I see him, I want to die. Corflu and Wiscon will be hard. I'm looking forward to the bakesale, and the LJ party I'm going to throw at Wiscon, and seeing many people from out of town, but Tom will also be at both cons. With her. I've never actually seen her. Is it possible for me to be gracious, ignore them and their happiness, enjoy the people who DO want to spend time with me? I don't know. Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long? Any advice besides "get over it?" Because I've tried that, hasn't worked...
-Juliebata

Comments

Grieving and loss

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what sort of response you'd find most helpful right now. I sympathize with your still-raw feelings around Tom. I could challenge the absoluteness in a couple of your statements, but you could do that yourself. If you're in a mood for jest, I could list a couple of "could be worse" scenarios (e.g., two words: Du Charme!).

I think you're a pretty strong person. You were deeply hurt by that relationship, and you're still grieving. Yet you've also done a bunch of things to find new friends (personals ads) that I have yet gained the nerve to do myself. You're still living on your own, holding down a job (despite the fact that it's not your dream job by any means), and taking care of one happy cat. You're even still pretty good friends with your ex-husband, which is more than I can say.

You asked, "Has anyone else been in a place this dark, for this long?" Yes, I have. I still miss my mother terribly, and the stupidest things can crush me because of it. It's not the same as losing a relationship, but they're both major, life-changing losses. I'm looking forward to that hypothetical day when the chances of going to pieces are very, very low instead of the 50% they are now. In trying to figure out how to move from here to there, I think writing about it (publicly or privately) can only help. I'm still looking for more things that I can do, though.

I will also say that your presence here in LJ will give you some advantage over Tom, in that you'll already have a connection with a bunch of people who haven't been to a Madison con before. And yes, I think it will be possible for you to have a peaceful coexistence with Tom and J, but it's rarely a place one gets to overnight.