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Two Nights Later..
Dec. 8th, 2005 11:16 pmEach of us posted about it in our LJ. There are people on LJ who know all three of us, some know just two of us, others read only one.
I'm not done talking about it. This is a place where anyone can say anything. Cryptic or not, drama or no, I need this outlet. Any outlet. A friend in California e-mailed me, offered an ear to vent. I took her up on it. Why do I assume that everyone will hate me and only support Jane? I know I have friends, yet for some reason I wasn't expecting any help or kind words. It surprised me, and I don't know how to acknowledge it. I'm used to being disapproved of and disappointed, so I have always had an incredibly hard time saying thank you when someone is kind to me. So, thank you...
I always assume the worst, it's in my nature. The whole "Inner Don Knotts" thing I have causes immense worry over pretty much anything. Maybe I think if I automatically expect the end of the world, I'll feel slightly better if it doesn't actually happen. This probably isn't a healthy way to go about life, but it's the only way I'm familiar with. I cannot get over the fear I currently have that many people she and I both know locally will want nothing more to do with me because I dared upset her, whether I meant to or not.
I said I was game for a mediator, so an appointment has already been set up with a counselor. It isn't till next Thursday, however. No-one can say what will happen in the intervening week. The house is very tense. I don't want to go downstairs for any reason, but I have to if I want to eat, or do laundry, or play with the rats. I don't want to face her right now. Any words I speak out loud seem to come out in a completely different language to her ears.
I'm not done talking about it. This is a place where anyone can say anything. Cryptic or not, drama or no, I need this outlet. Any outlet. A friend in California e-mailed me, offered an ear to vent. I took her up on it. Why do I assume that everyone will hate me and only support Jane? I know I have friends, yet for some reason I wasn't expecting any help or kind words. It surprised me, and I don't know how to acknowledge it. I'm used to being disapproved of and disappointed, so I have always had an incredibly hard time saying thank you when someone is kind to me. So, thank you...
I always assume the worst, it's in my nature. The whole "Inner Don Knotts" thing I have causes immense worry over pretty much anything. Maybe I think if I automatically expect the end of the world, I'll feel slightly better if it doesn't actually happen. This probably isn't a healthy way to go about life, but it's the only way I'm familiar with. I cannot get over the fear I currently have that many people she and I both know locally will want nothing more to do with me because I dared upset her, whether I meant to or not.
I said I was game for a mediator, so an appointment has already been set up with a counselor. It isn't till next Thursday, however. No-one can say what will happen in the intervening week. The house is very tense. I don't want to go downstairs for any reason, but I have to if I want to eat, or do laundry, or play with the rats. I don't want to face her right now. Any words I speak out loud seem to come out in a completely different language to her ears.
