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I Believe The Exact Words Were...
Dec. 7th, 2005 10:36 am"I want that damn woman out of my house" said with volume and venom.
Around 8:30, I put on my coat and went outside. I slammed the door. I don't recall ever slamming a door with such anger in my entire life. It's a big, heavy, easy-swinging door that shakes the house whenever it's opened or closed. I couldn't believe how satisfying it was to feel the whole house shudder behind me. I got in my car and drove, no direction in mind. Greenday and Hole in the stereo, loud, angry music that suited my mood. I took 45th street and kept going, not knowing or caring where it would lead. I veered left somehow, and ended up on Sand Point. We went here last summer, I remembered. A cop was hanging out of a parking lot waiting for speeders. I wasn't paying attention at all, but I must have been slow enough, he let me pass on by. After a while, the road veered left again and became 125th. I wondered if I would start crossing familiar streets now. I did. 15th. Lake City Way. I-5. Roosevelt. Aurora. I kept going till Greenwood, turned left onto it, and after a few familiar jogs it became Phinney. I wasn't ready to go home yet, so I turned and went back towards Ballard. I turned onto 15th (the other 15th) and then Leary. Then on to Fremont. I couldn't turn left where I wanted to and ended up going across a drawbridge. Was this Queen Anne ahead of me? No idea. On the right were steep hills, on the left, water and places dealing with boats. I turned around and found my way home.
I took off my coat, took my ID and some cash from my purse and put it in my pocket. I went pee, grabbed my scarf, put on my coat, and went back out the door, without trying to slam it so hard this time. I walked towards the park. I always try to pass by a house on the corner with a very friendly cat. Milo, when he's outside, he plops down in front of you, demanding to be petted. Not there tonight. I walked past the park, crossed a few streets, and turned south down Meridian. It was a brisk, pleasant temperature. I like to look in people's windows as I walk by and admire the woodwork, or pity the clutter, wonder what books they have, what's on TV, what's for dinner? Do they have pets? Are they rich? Are they happy? I walked down Meridian to 34th street, past the dump, then back up our street. A long uphill climb. I smelled woodsmoke, laundry detergent, everyday home smells as I walked past. I came home, out of breath, nothing is better, but my body felt good.
He tells me she said I have till the end of January. He didn't defend me or stick up for me. He went downstairs to watch a movie, and I climbed into the tub. When I was done, I checked e-mail. There was a query, a spam, a joke and an ultimatum. I ignored them all and turned off the computer. I took some allergy pills and went to bed. I didn't need the allergy pills, but I knew the only chance I had for any sleep at all was with chemical assistance. He came back upstairs, brushed his teeth. He grabbed a blanket from the linen closet. I thought maybe he was going to watch another movie, but I heard him take off his shoes down there, heard his glasses get put on the coffee table, heard him cough. That's when I started to cry.
There was no sleep to be had, chemicals in my system or no. My body relaxed completely, (sinuses gloriously clear) but my heart raced, my stomach churned. Mind reeling, of course. All my rage and hurt and frustration had nowhere to go. What I feel and need to say will not be listened to in this house.
I don't want to go back to Wisconsin, my car wouldn't get me there, and there are no jobs anyway. I have no idea what will happen next. But very soon I suspect I'm going to have to get used to being completely alone.
Around 8:30, I put on my coat and went outside. I slammed the door. I don't recall ever slamming a door with such anger in my entire life. It's a big, heavy, easy-swinging door that shakes the house whenever it's opened or closed. I couldn't believe how satisfying it was to feel the whole house shudder behind me. I got in my car and drove, no direction in mind. Greenday and Hole in the stereo, loud, angry music that suited my mood. I took 45th street and kept going, not knowing or caring where it would lead. I veered left somehow, and ended up on Sand Point. We went here last summer, I remembered. A cop was hanging out of a parking lot waiting for speeders. I wasn't paying attention at all, but I must have been slow enough, he let me pass on by. After a while, the road veered left again and became 125th. I wondered if I would start crossing familiar streets now. I did. 15th. Lake City Way. I-5. Roosevelt. Aurora. I kept going till Greenwood, turned left onto it, and after a few familiar jogs it became Phinney. I wasn't ready to go home yet, so I turned and went back towards Ballard. I turned onto 15th (the other 15th) and then Leary. Then on to Fremont. I couldn't turn left where I wanted to and ended up going across a drawbridge. Was this Queen Anne ahead of me? No idea. On the right were steep hills, on the left, water and places dealing with boats. I turned around and found my way home.
I took off my coat, took my ID and some cash from my purse and put it in my pocket. I went pee, grabbed my scarf, put on my coat, and went back out the door, without trying to slam it so hard this time. I walked towards the park. I always try to pass by a house on the corner with a very friendly cat. Milo, when he's outside, he plops down in front of you, demanding to be petted. Not there tonight. I walked past the park, crossed a few streets, and turned south down Meridian. It was a brisk, pleasant temperature. I like to look in people's windows as I walk by and admire the woodwork, or pity the clutter, wonder what books they have, what's on TV, what's for dinner? Do they have pets? Are they rich? Are they happy? I walked down Meridian to 34th street, past the dump, then back up our street. A long uphill climb. I smelled woodsmoke, laundry detergent, everyday home smells as I walked past. I came home, out of breath, nothing is better, but my body felt good.
He tells me she said I have till the end of January. He didn't defend me or stick up for me. He went downstairs to watch a movie, and I climbed into the tub. When I was done, I checked e-mail. There was a query, a spam, a joke and an ultimatum. I ignored them all and turned off the computer. I took some allergy pills and went to bed. I didn't need the allergy pills, but I knew the only chance I had for any sleep at all was with chemical assistance. He came back upstairs, brushed his teeth. He grabbed a blanket from the linen closet. I thought maybe he was going to watch another movie, but I heard him take off his shoes down there, heard his glasses get put on the coffee table, heard him cough. That's when I started to cry.
There was no sleep to be had, chemicals in my system or no. My body relaxed completely, (sinuses gloriously clear) but my heart raced, my stomach churned. Mind reeling, of course. All my rage and hurt and frustration had nowhere to go. What I feel and need to say will not be listened to in this house.
I don't want to go back to Wisconsin, my car wouldn't get me there, and there are no jobs anyway. I have no idea what will happen next. But very soon I suspect I'm going to have to get used to being completely alone.
