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A Tale Of Three Social Events
Jun. 29th, 2014 06:30 pmI'm due for a long-ish LJ post. It's certainly been a while. Not since before Wiscon. I had a great time at Wiscon, and yet, it was fraught with so many moments of social angst. While I managed to go to at least 10(!) amazing panels, what I was really there to do was see the people that are important to me. And to a large degree, I did that. But there were also countless moments where I felt that some of the people I most wanted to hang out with, wanted nothing to do with me. Actively avoided me. One person, who was one of my closest friends when I lived in California, acts like I'm not worth talking to now. I could walk up and start chatting with her, but she would never seek me out, and anyone else she wants to talk to (and anyone who walks up to her while we're talking) is far more important and worthy of her attention than I am. It's been like this for the past several Wiscons, so this year I didn't really try to talk to her at all. I totally get that friendships change, evolve, and of course end, but it still hurts. I never wanted the friendship to end, and I'm left wondering what changed for her.
Depression has a way of making things like this way more intense and difficult to deal with. My brain says "I suck, I'm stupid, I'm horrible, what's wrong with me, what did I do that makes them not want to hang out with me?"
I was proud of myself for at least having the self-care spoons, as it were, to not try to spend time with her. And to recognize that some other people I really, really wanted to see, who didn't have/make time to see me, weren't doing it because they didn't like me. Things can just happen. It still hurts like hell, but things can just happen that make someone not available no matter how badly you want to see them.
That said, I still spent an inordinate amount of time at Wiscon, feeling like the "cool" people didn't want to talk to me or hang out with me. I need to figure out other ways of self-care to make it hurt less, and not focus so much on it. Because I have many good friends at Wiscon.
Back in Seattle, a couple weeks ago, there was a wedding of fans. It was lovely, and heartfelt, and full of deep emotion. All of local fandom turned out, most of whom I rarely see. Also attending were several Bay Area friends, including the gal mentioned before. She wouldn't even acknowledge me, so I said fuck it, and moved on to someone who would. For all the beauty and sweetness and emotion of the whole event, I felt really disconnected in a lot of ways. I didn't talk to many people.
Just two days later was SACBO, the Seattle Art Car Blowout. Even though I don't know these people anywhere near as well as I do my fannish friends, somehow, someway, everything came together, and I had a fantastic, socially UN-fraught time! I'm at a loss to explain it.
Friday, I drove down to Tacoma, in rush hour, by myself even, to take part in the opening event. Our cars were invited to be a special one-time display at the LeMay Car Museum. The weather was perfect, and we had a tailgate dinner. Luke stayed behind to help set up the art car space at the fair. We had been moved at the last minute to a different area, and nobody knew how it was going to work out. But it did!
Saturday, the weather was even more perfect, and we got an early start. My car looked like it totally belonged there! Because it did! I spent most of the day sitting in the shade in a lawn chair, talking to various amazing people, and feeling like they wanted to talk to me! Sunday was more of the same, I'm glad I had sunscreen, this was the best weather we've had for SACBO in years. The rest of the fair was crowded, and if you've seen one Fremont Fair and Solstice Parade, you've pretty much seen them all. The new space for the art cars worked out quite well, plenty of fair-goers found us, and enjoyed our cars.
Sunday, when the fair was over, we all went to a house in West Seattle for the closing party. I felt like I could sit down and talk to anyone there. I was sad when it was time to say goodnight. There were promises to socialize with locals that didn't feel fake. I went home and immediately added about ten art car people to my Facebook, and I didn't have my usual "they'll think I'm totally lame" moment.
So, that was last weekend. I still feel mostly OK, but I know I'll sink back to my normal state of everyday depression before long. But it's nice to know that I CAN feel good, and wanted, and like I belong to something special. I wish I could feel like that more often.
Depression has a way of making things like this way more intense and difficult to deal with. My brain says "I suck, I'm stupid, I'm horrible, what's wrong with me, what did I do that makes them not want to hang out with me?"
I was proud of myself for at least having the self-care spoons, as it were, to not try to spend time with her. And to recognize that some other people I really, really wanted to see, who didn't have/make time to see me, weren't doing it because they didn't like me. Things can just happen. It still hurts like hell, but things can just happen that make someone not available no matter how badly you want to see them.
That said, I still spent an inordinate amount of time at Wiscon, feeling like the "cool" people didn't want to talk to me or hang out with me. I need to figure out other ways of self-care to make it hurt less, and not focus so much on it. Because I have many good friends at Wiscon.
Back in Seattle, a couple weeks ago, there was a wedding of fans. It was lovely, and heartfelt, and full of deep emotion. All of local fandom turned out, most of whom I rarely see. Also attending were several Bay Area friends, including the gal mentioned before. She wouldn't even acknowledge me, so I said fuck it, and moved on to someone who would. For all the beauty and sweetness and emotion of the whole event, I felt really disconnected in a lot of ways. I didn't talk to many people.
Just two days later was SACBO, the Seattle Art Car Blowout. Even though I don't know these people anywhere near as well as I do my fannish friends, somehow, someway, everything came together, and I had a fantastic, socially UN-fraught time! I'm at a loss to explain it.
Friday, I drove down to Tacoma, in rush hour, by myself even, to take part in the opening event. Our cars were invited to be a special one-time display at the LeMay Car Museum. The weather was perfect, and we had a tailgate dinner. Luke stayed behind to help set up the art car space at the fair. We had been moved at the last minute to a different area, and nobody knew how it was going to work out. But it did!
Saturday, the weather was even more perfect, and we got an early start. My car looked like it totally belonged there! Because it did! I spent most of the day sitting in the shade in a lawn chair, talking to various amazing people, and feeling like they wanted to talk to me! Sunday was more of the same, I'm glad I had sunscreen, this was the best weather we've had for SACBO in years. The rest of the fair was crowded, and if you've seen one Fremont Fair and Solstice Parade, you've pretty much seen them all. The new space for the art cars worked out quite well, plenty of fair-goers found us, and enjoyed our cars.
Sunday, when the fair was over, we all went to a house in West Seattle for the closing party. I felt like I could sit down and talk to anyone there. I was sad when it was time to say goodnight. There were promises to socialize with locals that didn't feel fake. I went home and immediately added about ten art car people to my Facebook, and I didn't have my usual "they'll think I'm totally lame" moment.
So, that was last weekend. I still feel mostly OK, but I know I'll sink back to my normal state of everyday depression before long. But it's nice to know that I CAN feel good, and wanted, and like I belong to something special. I wish I could feel like that more often.
